The late Rodney King said, “can we all get along?” You may be more familiar with the modified version of the quote, “Can’t we all just get along?” Well Mr. King, yes, yes we can. We can achieve harmony with one another. It may seem like a tall order given the current state of politics. Or the atmosphere at your Thanksgiving table, office, or happy hour. Hear me out though.
The key element to achieving this monumental task is understanding. But understanding seems to almost be a lost art in my opinion. How many times are you asked why you feel a certain way about something? Or why you do or don’t do something specifically? How many times do you ask others those questions? I know there are some brilliant conversationalists (and understanding individuals) out there, but I would venture to guess that the number of those questions are alarmingly small. Shoot, I’m guilty of not asking why all the time. It takes work, but this work is critical. We need to take a short detour first though.
We must listen to one another first. Really listen, not make eye contact while you are thinking about what you will say next. Without listening, we simply cannot reach an understanding. Then there is a domino effect. After intent listening, it’s just as important to affirm our understanding of the delivered message. Perception is quite the beast. We may hear something entirely different based on past experience or even just something that is randomly on our mind. Don’t be afraid to say, “I think you said this… did I comprehend that correctly?” You’d be surprised how far a simple reiteration will advance a conversation. You’ll be more surprised how quickly it can stop a conversation from going in the wrong direction, or worse, the infamous rabbit hole. This is the first step in understanding. Next, we must get to a complete understanding.
You understand exactly what your conversation partner just said. Then what? Well, we understand what’s on the surface. But, often, we don’t get to a complete understanding of what someone is truly saying. But there is a magic question. And that question is simply, “why?” Ask it as many times as necessary to really get down to the root. In fact, you may ask it once and that person may not even know the answer. It works the same way when you are asked. We live in a complex world with more external influences than we can count. Talking points by the media, politicians, business colleagues, and so on. It happens. Minds may even be changed during this exercise. But either way, getting to a total understanding works wonders.
To keep things simple, there are three wonders. And they are all good results. One, we may agree with one another in total. It’s rare because we all think and perceive differently. It’s a fact of life. Two, we may agree to disagree, and that’s okay. It’s exponentially better than simply disagreeing. Understanding one another absolutely facilitates this next level of disagreement. And three, we may find the coveted middle ground. In my experience, this is the likely result. It may not be smack dab in the middle, but any inching from the extremes usually means progress.
After writing these words, they seem somewhat obvious to me. But in the midst of a conversation, they are easy to forget. Give it a try. Or, at least take notice during your conversations. Notice the results. Then, apply and notice even better results. Cheers to getting along. This is the first step.
Chris